over my head.

ashley and i, december 2008.

things that never fail to lift me out of a crapass mood:

- a good long nap on a hot day.

- fun, colorful undies from target (5 for $15, thank you very much).

- liz lemon and her "lizasters".

- listening to amy winehouse. 

- when carrie bradshaw (the dog) notices that i'm crying, then crawls up to me and licks the tears off my face.

- ashley jensen and her straightforward, pulls-no-punches life advice.

- ice cream sandwiches.

- justin bieber, and his adorable little babyface.

- when carrie bradshaw (the character) goes through something...anything...and comes out stronger.

- going to the piano bar with jeanette, requesting "tik tok", and marveling at the fact that they actually know how to play it.

- talking to my mom on the phone.

- a snapped marathon. nothing makes you feel better than watching crazy bitches murder their husbands.

- tapas.

tomorrow will be different, right?

mood music: amy winehouse - help yourself

i told you i was trouble.

pc: you are bon bon

it's no secret that i'm a pretty passionate person. when i like something, i really like it. and that goes double for people. i wish i could say "i don't know what my problem is", but unfortunately, i do know what my problem is, and it's that i get too excited, too quickly. i like you! and when i like you, i just wanna talk talk talk talk talk all daaaayyyyayay. i can't help it! i am more often than not ignored by cute boys, so when i grab the attention of one, even for a moment, i try to hold on to it for as long as possible. by doing so, i consequently lose it (the attention, as well as my mind). 

i've been called needy, clingy, too forward, too intense...and i'm not really sure how to change it. i'm not a wackadoodle, and it's not like i want to scare boys away with my overzealousness; i just have a problem reining it in. i'm not a very secretive or mysterious person, and i'm not good at hiding my feelings or playing games.  quite frankly, i like the fact that i'm a bit of an open book. it makes me feel good to be honest and tell people things about me (hence, this blog).

deep down, i really do feel like i can't do anything right when it comes to dating, and with the opposite sex in general. i always say too much, too soon. i put all my cards on the table early, because i figure if i put it all out there and say how i feel, and it scares someone away...at least i went down swinging. at least i can sleep at night knowing that i was true to myself and honest about my feelings. i put my walls back up until the next  unsuspecting soul comes along, and then i press repeat. i know i need to cool it, because it is super frustrating -- for all parties involved -- and i'm not getting great results. it's the reason why i can't ever get past date number two. it's the reason why i have very few (straight) male friends. fuck, it's even the reason why i have nowhere to stay during coachella. i'll be camping out in the dirt while all my girlfriends are in an air-conditioned house, or laying by the pool with their significant others. it's rough. 

bottom line is: i'm really, really tired of feeling like i need to apologize for who i am. whether i'm not as cheerful as people want me to be, or as positive, or as relaxed, or go-with-the-flow, i just can't keep letting people make me feel as though i'm not enough of something. i know this. i'm trying. and it's hard. i know it probably shouldn't be, but it is. 

so who's the next victim?

mood music: sarah jaffe - better than nothing (via aerial noise)

time out.

pc: you are bon bon

okay-dokay. i need a break. i'm sort of exhausted. i've decided not to overexert myself freaking out about other people's issues, or trying to make them my own. unless i'm specifically asked for my advice or help on something, i'm keeping my mouth shut, and staying out of it. it makes perfect sense once i think about it; and don't i have enough problems? so, that's all, folks. here's to worrying about things i can actually control!

mood music: kelley ryan - lost cause (beck cover - via cover me)

ps. thanks allie. the back-a-yo-head is ridicilus.

snap out of it.

i've been in a pretty foul mood this past week or so. ever since my potential one-way ticket to san francisco fell through, i've fallen into quite the funk. i reeeaallly want to be one of those people that can get up, dust themselves off, and keep going -- and i feel like i'm kinda getting there. but every once in a while, some tiny tragedy will have me completely floored, curled up in a ball and crying for my mommy. i've been trying hard to do things that i enjoy, in an effort to get my mind off of things. what's been (slowly but surely) doing the trick:

- talking to ashley on the phone.

- going to amanda's apartment for homemade pizzas and red wine.

- sprinkles cupcakes.

- helping jeanette organize her closet.

- little black dresses that only cost $11.50.

- zooey's dance routine in the new she & him video:

because sometimes all it takes is good choreography.

mood music: she & him - thieves (via tsururadio)

big jumps.

pee. arr. enn. dee. 
she whispered as she always did
whenever she set off.


choices...not park. no more neutral.
it was either reverse or drive.
but not really. 
because everyone and now she knew there was no going back. plus nowhere to go.


so there she stalled. wishing she could shift to away.


(via t.ruffles)


mood music: the right now - ain't going back

where we left off.

pc: decor8

today (now yesterday?) was simply amazing. and i mean that literally, because it was a day made amazing by its complete simplicity. 

let me digress: i have been unbelievably broke lately. i've been on unemployment for almost five months, and it's been tough getting by. i've been able to pay my bills on time every month -- which is nothing short of a miracle --but it's been hard trying to maintain a decent social life with so little money (and with friends so far away). 

i chose to use this period of my life to really figure out who i am and what makes me happy, and sadly, i quickly realized that most of the things that make me happy involve spending money. this fact does not make me happy. it makes me feel lazy, and like an idiot. i've always heard that the best things in life are free, so how did i end up valuing the things that cost me money instead? 

today (yesterday) i went to my friend jeanette's house to help her pack up her bedroom (she's moving into her first apartment next week). i've known jeanette since elementary school, and i'm pretty sure some of the stuff in her room dated back to those days, because it was a total disaster zone. i was two seconds away from calling hoarders and recommending her for the show. jeanette's never been the tidiest person i know, but i didn't realize how much stuff she held onto, and mostly for sentimental reasons. between the four of us (myself, jeanette, and my other childhood friends, leanne and lindsay) we tackled the room over the course of the day, but once we came upon boxes of photos and mementos from our junior high and high school days, the whole operation shut down. we spent the last couple hours of the evening laughing, joking, and reminiscing about our horrible hairdos and outfits. it was the most fun i've had in a while; all of us together, talking about old times, and how young we sometimes still feel even though we're on the brink of quarter-century meltdowns.

rolling around on jeanette's bedroom floor, reading notes that we wrote each other in high school, and laughing hysterically was a really good feeling. it made me feel so happy, and so blessed, to be able to say that i've known these people for over 15 years. and the best part is, it didn't cost me a dime.

friends are free. laughter is free. love is free. gratitude is free. money can't always buy memories, or the chance to relive them. we spend most of our lives chasing after things that, when we die, are not going to come with us. we fill empty space with nonsense objects in hopes that it'll make us feel whole, but it rarely ever does, and if so, it's only temporary. why i didn't catch on to this earlier, i do not know. timing, i guess. but now i realize how the simplest things can make the biggest impact on your life. 

mood music: lali puna - remember (via music is art)

joy in repetition.

pc: poppytalk

anything i've ever wanted, i've gotten. anything i've ever wanted to do, i've done. 

i wanted to go to fidm; i went to fidm. i wanted to get a job in an apparel showroom, and i did. i always wanted to have a cute apartment in venice beach, and i got it. i wanted a little dog that i could snuggle with and sit outside with at coffee shops, and i got that too -- although carrie has a little bit of ADD when it comes to being tied up at a table. almost everything i've seen myself doing, or having, has worked out for the best. if it didn't happen the way i wanted, a better alternative presented itself instead.

i think my problem is that i'm too close to the situation. it's all i think about. when i took a small step back, i realized that if everything else i've wanted to do in my life has worked out thus far, why would this be any different? of course, the waiting is excruciating, but i have to convince myself that it's going to be worth it. 


mood music: william elliott whitmore - there's hope for you

if you don't like your life, tell yourself a different story.

pc: ffffound

but if we hope for what we do not have, we wait for it patiently. - romans 8:25

it's been a long, sleepy, head-full-of-nonsensical-worries kind of week. i've been trying to go to bed early and take lots of naps (the thing i relish most about unemployment), as it seems that the more i sleep, the less time i have to stress. i haven't really been myself. or, maybe i've been too much of myself; the self that i kinda wish i wasn't. i think it's because i'm newly 24, and am just starting to realize how unaccomplished i am. maybe not in the grand scheme of things, but in the things i hoped to have had, and the way i hoped to feel by the time i reached this age. what upsets me even more is that, i created this life; i vibrated certain ways that caused these things to go into motion and either appear or not appear in my life. just goes to show you how powerful emotions and attitude can be.

basically, i have no job, barely any money, and am about to be homeless, and yet, that's not what worries me most. what i'm stressing about is how i can change my vibrational path to not create the same sad circumstances over and over again. i'm really trying. it's not easy, but maybe it's not supposed to be. i just need to figure out what's next for me. half exhilarating, half terrifying. stay tuned.

in other news, i've gotten really into jazz. suits the season, and my mood.

mood music: miles davis - blue in green

the secret.

i guess the trick is to be content right now, where you already are and with what you already have. now, i want you to know that i'm reaaalllly working on it. and even having to "work on it" makes me feel worse. who needs to work on being thankful? it's quite sad if you think about it. i guess i just get so wrapped up in wanting the next thing, going to the next place, meeting that next person, that i completely overlook the fact that gratitude will get you there every time.

i'm doing my best to live in the moment, but the promise of things to come is kinda clouding my efforts. for me, focusing on what's good right now seems to pale in comparison to thinking about how things can be better. like i said, i'm reaaalllly working on it. but right now, all i want to do is sell my clothes, cut my hair, move to the city, and start from scratch.

mood music: kid cudi - simple as