when the bottom falls out.

pc: casselle

in just one week: plans have fallen through, and friendships have fallen apart, and a boy broke my heart; and i don't know how or even why, but i keep dusting myself off and getting back up. i feel like i'm running toward one of those giant fans. 

when does it get easy?

mood music: muddy waters - stormy monday blues

breaking even.

pc: fuck yeah marilyn monroe

today is my one-year anniversary. not of being with a boyfriend, or of being sober from anything (yet). it's my one-year anniversary of writing this here little blog. i'm really surprised at how quickly the time went, and i don't think i would have even noticed were it not for me being bored last week and being like, "what was my very first blog post?" i saw the date and did a bit of a double-take. it's been a year already?

i'm not going to do any cheesy retrospectives or recaps. i just want to thank anybody who's read even one of my posts this past year. even though i'm sure the majority of you are friends and family, it still means a lot. this year has been quite a rollercoaster; i've had some very high highs and some pretty low lows, but it's been great to have a place to talk about each one. it's like a weird type of therapy.

here's to another year? who knows. thanks again.

mood music: happy birthday - subliminal message

on a good day.

pc: ffffound

"later that day i got to thinking about relationships. there are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. but the most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. and if you can find someone to love the 'you' you love, well, that's just fabulous."

- carrie bradshaw, (an american girl in paris, part deux)

mood music: syreeta ft. stevie wonder - to know you is to love you (via music to milk by)

i told you i was trouble.

pc: you are bon bon

it's no secret that i'm a pretty passionate person. when i like something, i really like it. and that goes double for people. i wish i could say "i don't know what my problem is", but unfortunately, i do know what my problem is, and it's that i get too excited, too quickly. i like you! and when i like you, i just wanna talk talk talk talk talk all daaaayyyyayay. i can't help it! i am more often than not ignored by cute boys, so when i grab the attention of one, even for a moment, i try to hold on to it for as long as possible. by doing so, i consequently lose it (the attention, as well as my mind). 

i've been called needy, clingy, too forward, too intense...and i'm not really sure how to change it. i'm not a wackadoodle, and it's not like i want to scare boys away with my overzealousness; i just have a problem reining it in. i'm not a very secretive or mysterious person, and i'm not good at hiding my feelings or playing games.  quite frankly, i like the fact that i'm a bit of an open book. it makes me feel good to be honest and tell people things about me (hence, this blog).

deep down, i really do feel like i can't do anything right when it comes to dating, and with the opposite sex in general. i always say too much, too soon. i put all my cards on the table early, because i figure if i put it all out there and say how i feel, and it scares someone away...at least i went down swinging. at least i can sleep at night knowing that i was true to myself and honest about my feelings. i put my walls back up until the next  unsuspecting soul comes along, and then i press repeat. i know i need to cool it, because it is super frustrating -- for all parties involved -- and i'm not getting great results. it's the reason why i can't ever get past date number two. it's the reason why i have very few (straight) male friends. fuck, it's even the reason why i have nowhere to stay during coachella. i'll be camping out in the dirt while all my girlfriends are in an air-conditioned house, or laying by the pool with their significant others. it's rough. 

bottom line is: i'm really, really tired of feeling like i need to apologize for who i am. whether i'm not as cheerful as people want me to be, or as positive, or as relaxed, or go-with-the-flow, i just can't keep letting people make me feel as though i'm not enough of something. i know this. i'm trying. and it's hard. i know it probably shouldn't be, but it is. 

so who's the next victim?

mood music: sarah jaffe - better than nothing (via aerial noise)

the way things are.

pc: ffffound

first-week-of-march epiphanies:

1. i have no idea where my life is going. i don't believe in luck, but if i did, i would venture to say that mine has indeed run out.

2. i will always and forever want what (and whom) i can't have. again, i don't believe in luck. sometimes i don't even want to believe in time. they say 'time heals all wounds' but i'm pretty sure that growth is the real culprit. and then i wonder if i've even grown that much. in some ways i still feel like i did when i was 15. awkward, insecure, and always looking for comfort in the wrong places. i wish i could take that 15-year old girl and shake her by the shoulders, and tell her that she's not going to get anywhere by being cynical. JUST LET GO. YOU DON'T HAVE TO FIGURE EVERYTHING OUT.

3. music really soothes my soul. so shout-out to beach house, the xx, mozella, a fine frenzy, zee avi, bob dylan, coeur de pirate, ray lamontagne, lucy schwartz and mayer hawthorne. 

4. i have a serious old-guy crush on alec baldwin. that's not really an epiphany, but i just wanted to throw it in to lighten the mood. thanks for understanding.

mood music: lucy schwartz - gravity (via you are the music)