when the bottom falls out.

pc: casselle

in just one week: plans have fallen through, and friendships have fallen apart, and a boy broke my heart; and i don't know how or even why, but i keep dusting myself off and getting back up. i feel like i'm running toward one of those giant fans. 

when does it get easy?

mood music: muddy waters - stormy monday blues

i told you i was trouble.

pc: you are bon bon

it's no secret that i'm a pretty passionate person. when i like something, i really like it. and that goes double for people. i wish i could say "i don't know what my problem is", but unfortunately, i do know what my problem is, and it's that i get too excited, too quickly. i like you! and when i like you, i just wanna talk talk talk talk talk all daaaayyyyayay. i can't help it! i am more often than not ignored by cute boys, so when i grab the attention of one, even for a moment, i try to hold on to it for as long as possible. by doing so, i consequently lose it (the attention, as well as my mind). 

i've been called needy, clingy, too forward, too intense...and i'm not really sure how to change it. i'm not a wackadoodle, and it's not like i want to scare boys away with my overzealousness; i just have a problem reining it in. i'm not a very secretive or mysterious person, and i'm not good at hiding my feelings or playing games.  quite frankly, i like the fact that i'm a bit of an open book. it makes me feel good to be honest and tell people things about me (hence, this blog).

deep down, i really do feel like i can't do anything right when it comes to dating, and with the opposite sex in general. i always say too much, too soon. i put all my cards on the table early, because i figure if i put it all out there and say how i feel, and it scares someone away...at least i went down swinging. at least i can sleep at night knowing that i was true to myself and honest about my feelings. i put my walls back up until the next  unsuspecting soul comes along, and then i press repeat. i know i need to cool it, because it is super frustrating -- for all parties involved -- and i'm not getting great results. it's the reason why i can't ever get past date number two. it's the reason why i have very few (straight) male friends. fuck, it's even the reason why i have nowhere to stay during coachella. i'll be camping out in the dirt while all my girlfriends are in an air-conditioned house, or laying by the pool with their significant others. it's rough. 

bottom line is: i'm really, really tired of feeling like i need to apologize for who i am. whether i'm not as cheerful as people want me to be, or as positive, or as relaxed, or go-with-the-flow, i just can't keep letting people make me feel as though i'm not enough of something. i know this. i'm trying. and it's hard. i know it probably shouldn't be, but it is. 

so who's the next victim?

mood music: sarah jaffe - better than nothing (via aerial noise)

the way things are.

pc: ffffound

first-week-of-march epiphanies:

1. i have no idea where my life is going. i don't believe in luck, but if i did, i would venture to say that mine has indeed run out.

2. i will always and forever want what (and whom) i can't have. again, i don't believe in luck. sometimes i don't even want to believe in time. they say 'time heals all wounds' but i'm pretty sure that growth is the real culprit. and then i wonder if i've even grown that much. in some ways i still feel like i did when i was 15. awkward, insecure, and always looking for comfort in the wrong places. i wish i could take that 15-year old girl and shake her by the shoulders, and tell her that she's not going to get anywhere by being cynical. JUST LET GO. YOU DON'T HAVE TO FIGURE EVERYTHING OUT.

3. music really soothes my soul. so shout-out to beach house, the xx, mozella, a fine frenzy, zee avi, bob dylan, coeur de pirate, ray lamontagne, lucy schwartz and mayer hawthorne. 

4. i have a serious old-guy crush on alec baldwin. that's not really an epiphany, but i just wanted to throw it in to lighten the mood. thanks for understanding.

mood music: lucy schwartz - gravity (via you are the music)

open letter, part two.

pc: you are bon bon

(insert name here): you really don't need to spend so much time on the surface. there are things here for you that go deeper, love harder, and shine brighter. you also don't need to keep everything bottled up inside. nobody is going to judge you, or give you a hard time, or tell you that you're wrong. i understand that sometimes we get swept away with the current and lose sight of what, or who, is most important to us. we abandon our ideals and our priorities, and end up following false leads in order to fulfill some empty space inside of us. just know that when you're done searching, and you feel ready to come back to shore, i'll be here waiting for you.

mood music: the whitest boy alive - promise less or do more

if you don't like your life, tell yourself a different story.

pc: ffffound

but if we hope for what we do not have, we wait for it patiently. - romans 8:25

it's been a long, sleepy, head-full-of-nonsensical-worries kind of week. i've been trying to go to bed early and take lots of naps (the thing i relish most about unemployment), as it seems that the more i sleep, the less time i have to stress. i haven't really been myself. or, maybe i've been too much of myself; the self that i kinda wish i wasn't. i think it's because i'm newly 24, and am just starting to realize how unaccomplished i am. maybe not in the grand scheme of things, but in the things i hoped to have had, and the way i hoped to feel by the time i reached this age. what upsets me even more is that, i created this life; i vibrated certain ways that caused these things to go into motion and either appear or not appear in my life. just goes to show you how powerful emotions and attitude can be.

basically, i have no job, barely any money, and am about to be homeless, and yet, that's not what worries me most. what i'm stressing about is how i can change my vibrational path to not create the same sad circumstances over and over again. i'm really trying. it's not easy, but maybe it's not supposed to be. i just need to figure out what's next for me. half exhilarating, half terrifying. stay tuned.

in other news, i've gotten really into jazz. suits the season, and my mood.

mood music: miles davis - blue in green

open letter.

pc: ffffound

"oh no, i trade them in as i go

and i'm leaving, oh i'm leaving

and now i wish i stayed

now i wish i had waited it out."

(insert name here): i'm sorry i pushed you away. i didn't mean to. i'm just kind of a mess when it comes to these things. if you think i'm not cool or pretty enough, then i'm sorry, but you're wrong. you may just be too blind to see it right now. i'm sorry our timing is off. i'm sorry for coming on too strong; i should probably work on that. i think you're a good person, and i hope we can still be friends. so don't be a stranger. and keep sending music.

mood music: natalie prass - a good man*

*(if you have a vagina, please download this song and thank me later.)