she has sprung.

pc: sfgirlbybay

i've been kinda busy lately. not busy, but like...preoccupied. i guess you can say i've been out living life. in the past week or so, i've been a biker, a hiker, a crybaby, a dreamer, and for some reason, a cowgirl. i even went on a date (say whhhaattt?!). but while i was out, something beautiful happened: spring arrived. the days got longer, the sun got brighter, and the air got warmer. i love transitions. don't you?

from the daily love:

"no matter what walk of life you come from this is a great time of year to allow yourself to be reborn. we are not what's happened to us. the past is over and done with. the promise of spring shows us that we can move from darkness to light, from bondage to freedom and from fear to love. 

all the things that have fallen away from our lives have left much room for new life. we've been given the power to free ourselves. 

let's take this time to see how we can be reborn. ao many times we are so sad mourning what we've lost that we can't see the miracles and opportunities that are always at our fingertips. 

let us not be slaves to outdated bad habits, or stay in hibernation because we're afraid to face the world outside the cave of our current understanding. 

let's go out into the world, get messy, make mistakes and learn to that our fears can die and be reborn as love, understanding and courage. 

what a miracle, you are alive today on this day where the promise of spring, rebirth and new found freedom can be yours. 

the choice is yours to make."

if i were you, i would choose the 'get messy' part.

mood music: M83 - run into flowers

fall into your under, get under your fall.

pc: you are bon bon

you know how when something doesn't work out, or you're in a bad mood about something, and you take a nap, hoping that you'll feel better or that maybe the thing that didn't work out will somehow have worked itself out by the time you wake up?

i think that's why i take so many naps. but i just wanted to let you know that the health care bill still hasn't been passed, i'm still not in san francisco, and the IRS still hasn't given you your money back. in case you were wondering.

mood music: the national & st. vincent - sleep all summer

where we left off.

pc: decor8

today (now yesterday?) was simply amazing. and i mean that literally, because it was a day made amazing by its complete simplicity. 

let me digress: i have been unbelievably broke lately. i've been on unemployment for almost five months, and it's been tough getting by. i've been able to pay my bills on time every month -- which is nothing short of a miracle --but it's been hard trying to maintain a decent social life with so little money (and with friends so far away). 

i chose to use this period of my life to really figure out who i am and what makes me happy, and sadly, i quickly realized that most of the things that make me happy involve spending money. this fact does not make me happy. it makes me feel lazy, and like an idiot. i've always heard that the best things in life are free, so how did i end up valuing the things that cost me money instead? 

today (yesterday) i went to my friend jeanette's house to help her pack up her bedroom (she's moving into her first apartment next week). i've known jeanette since elementary school, and i'm pretty sure some of the stuff in her room dated back to those days, because it was a total disaster zone. i was two seconds away from calling hoarders and recommending her for the show. jeanette's never been the tidiest person i know, but i didn't realize how much stuff she held onto, and mostly for sentimental reasons. between the four of us (myself, jeanette, and my other childhood friends, leanne and lindsay) we tackled the room over the course of the day, but once we came upon boxes of photos and mementos from our junior high and high school days, the whole operation shut down. we spent the last couple hours of the evening laughing, joking, and reminiscing about our horrible hairdos and outfits. it was the most fun i've had in a while; all of us together, talking about old times, and how young we sometimes still feel even though we're on the brink of quarter-century meltdowns.

rolling around on jeanette's bedroom floor, reading notes that we wrote each other in high school, and laughing hysterically was a really good feeling. it made me feel so happy, and so blessed, to be able to say that i've known these people for over 15 years. and the best part is, it didn't cost me a dime.

friends are free. laughter is free. love is free. gratitude is free. money can't always buy memories, or the chance to relive them. we spend most of our lives chasing after things that, when we die, are not going to come with us. we fill empty space with nonsense objects in hopes that it'll make us feel whole, but it rarely ever does, and if so, it's only temporary. why i didn't catch on to this earlier, i do not know. timing, i guess. but now i realize how the simplest things can make the biggest impact on your life. 

mood music: lali puna - remember (via music is art)

twenty ten.

pc: ffffound

"go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. as far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. if you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. but let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

be yourself. especially, do not feign affection. neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. 

take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. but do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. 

you are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 

therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

with all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. be cheerful. strive to be happy."

              - desiderata, max ehrmann. 


my plans for the new year, in a nutshell.


mood music: the temper trap - sweet disposition (via battery in your leg)

bliss list.

abbot kinney boulevard, venice beach, 2008

it always bothers me when people call thanksgiving 'turkey day'. like we don't have the opportunity to eat turkey all year long? 'turkey day' could have been last tuesday, if i really wanted turkey that bad. and really, it takes a lot away from the real meaning of the holiday, which is to give thanks for what we have and realize how lucky we are to have it. but then again, shouldn't we be doing that all year also? makes you think.

here's what i'm thankful for:

- my family, especially my little sister. she is my best friend, and even though she is the golden child, she never rubs it in. my dad still pretends to love me equally, which i appreciate. and i can always count on my mom to answer my phone calls and listen to me cry and rant for hours. my family is nothing if not dysfunctional, but who's isn't? they keep me entertained.

- my girlfriends. they put up with all my antics, and laugh at (most of) my jokes. whether i'm up or down, they support and stand by me. i don't know where i'd be without them. oh wait, yeah i do. i'd be completely alone, surrounded by the giant brick walls i tend to put up around myself. and i'd be miserable. they are a giant part of my life, and their belief in me keeps me going.

- my dog. even though she's a bit of a "free spirit" ie. not always coming when i call, or eating my birth control pills, or occasionally pooping on the floor, she's brought so much fun and happiness to my life. it's been exactly two years since i adopted her, and i love her more every day. she's also the sole reason that i ever go jogging.

- food to eat and a roof over my head. it kind of goes without saying. even though i took some major hits this year, i'm still thankful that i've had somewhere to go, food to eat, and enough money in my pocket to get by. there are so many people less fortunate than i am, and i can't thank God enough for providing me with everything i need, no matter what the situation.

- my temperpedic mattress.

- my clothes and shoes. as much as i complain about having nothing to wear, i really am blessed to have very many options, and the talent to create a new look from something old.

- coffee.

- my health. i can see, i can hear, i can walk, i can breathe.

- books, magazines, blogs -- words in general.

- the beatles.

- the opportunity to put my feet on the floor, every day, even when i took life for granted. when the sky is falling, and my world seems upside down, i can still take solace in the fact that i'm alive -- which means i get another chance to try again.

mood music: radiohead - all i need

if you don't like your life, tell yourself a different story.

pc: ffffound

but if we hope for what we do not have, we wait for it patiently. - romans 8:25

it's been a long, sleepy, head-full-of-nonsensical-worries kind of week. i've been trying to go to bed early and take lots of naps (the thing i relish most about unemployment), as it seems that the more i sleep, the less time i have to stress. i haven't really been myself. or, maybe i've been too much of myself; the self that i kinda wish i wasn't. i think it's because i'm newly 24, and am just starting to realize how unaccomplished i am. maybe not in the grand scheme of things, but in the things i hoped to have had, and the way i hoped to feel by the time i reached this age. what upsets me even more is that, i created this life; i vibrated certain ways that caused these things to go into motion and either appear or not appear in my life. just goes to show you how powerful emotions and attitude can be.

basically, i have no job, barely any money, and am about to be homeless, and yet, that's not what worries me most. what i'm stressing about is how i can change my vibrational path to not create the same sad circumstances over and over again. i'm really trying. it's not easy, but maybe it's not supposed to be. i just need to figure out what's next for me. half exhilarating, half terrifying. stay tuned.

in other news, i've gotten really into jazz. suits the season, and my mood.

mood music: miles davis - blue in green

the secret.

i guess the trick is to be content right now, where you already are and with what you already have. now, i want you to know that i'm reaaalllly working on it. and even having to "work on it" makes me feel worse. who needs to work on being thankful? it's quite sad if you think about it. i guess i just get so wrapped up in wanting the next thing, going to the next place, meeting that next person, that i completely overlook the fact that gratitude will get you there every time.

i'm doing my best to live in the moment, but the promise of things to come is kinda clouding my efforts. for me, focusing on what's good right now seems to pale in comparison to thinking about how things can be better. like i said, i'm reaaalllly working on it. but right now, all i want to do is sell my clothes, cut my hair, move to the city, and start from scratch.

mood music: kid cudi - simple as