good vibrations.

haight-ashbury, san francisco. circa 2005.

"i myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."

- augusten burroughs

this past week has been unusually good for me. nothing crazy or out-of-the-ordinary has happened, but it's just been a light, carefree, beautiful ten or so days. since i've decided to change my attitude, and the vibrations i was putting out, life has suddenly become so much more enjoyable. i made an agreement with myself that i would stop being negative, stop being cynical, and stop taking everything at face value. i did a lot of soul-searching, and a lot of praying, and what came out of it is something i really can't describe. in short, i had a fucking epiphany.

the shift in energy around me lately is pretty incredible. i just feel lighter; like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. things that seemed hopeless or unattainable before, have either completely worked themselves out, or shown signs of getting there. that, or i just became too calm to care about it anymore. and even when something unsavory happened, that would normally get me down, i just breathed through it and focused on something else. something positive. i know it sounds crazy, or cheesy or whatever, and i can barely believe that i'm saying it, but things really do change when you change the way you look at them. like attracts like, and now i see that the reason i was getting nothing but grief and stress and frustration for so long is because that's exactly what i was putting out there.

that said, part of my fucking epiphany has to do with the way i present myself; the way people see me or think of me. i know who i am, and i've always been able to pinpoint positive or negative things about myself, but it think it makes a bigger impact when you hear it from others. i know i can be a bit too much sometimes; too loud, too bold, too dramatic, too overbearing. i know this. i try to control things, and if i don't get what i want, i keep trying, and keep pushing until it happens. if you tell me no, i will keep poking and prodding until you say yes. definitely good when it comes to work, but not so much for my love life. after a while, it just becomes a game. a contest. even if i don't really care anymore, i will still work on making it happen, just to prove to myself that i can. i think it goes without saying that i basically destroy everything i touch, but i can't help it. if i want something, i want it right then and there. no patience whatsoever. i think i should start keeping a chart; how many boys i met this month minus how many i scared away. i'm working on it, i really am. slow but steady.

for the moment though, i'm focused on staying positive, and going with the flow, instead of constantly stressing about how things are going to happen. and just because things don't happen the second i want them to, doesn't mean they won't happen eventually. gotta be patient. it's a journey, sister. the universe has you now.

mood music: the beatles - getting better