i told you i was trouble.

pc: you are bon bon

it's no secret that i'm a pretty passionate person. when i like something, i really like it. and that goes double for people. i wish i could say "i don't know what my problem is", but unfortunately, i do know what my problem is, and it's that i get too excited, too quickly. i like you! and when i like you, i just wanna talk talk talk talk talk all daaaayyyyayay. i can't help it! i am more often than not ignored by cute boys, so when i grab the attention of one, even for a moment, i try to hold on to it for as long as possible. by doing so, i consequently lose it (the attention, as well as my mind). 

i've been called needy, clingy, too forward, too intense...and i'm not really sure how to change it. i'm not a wackadoodle, and it's not like i want to scare boys away with my overzealousness; i just have a problem reining it in. i'm not a very secretive or mysterious person, and i'm not good at hiding my feelings or playing games.  quite frankly, i like the fact that i'm a bit of an open book. it makes me feel good to be honest and tell people things about me (hence, this blog).

deep down, i really do feel like i can't do anything right when it comes to dating, and with the opposite sex in general. i always say too much, too soon. i put all my cards on the table early, because i figure if i put it all out there and say how i feel, and it scares someone away...at least i went down swinging. at least i can sleep at night knowing that i was true to myself and honest about my feelings. i put my walls back up until the next  unsuspecting soul comes along, and then i press repeat. i know i need to cool it, because it is super frustrating -- for all parties involved -- and i'm not getting great results. it's the reason why i can't ever get past date number two. it's the reason why i have very few (straight) male friends. fuck, it's even the reason why i have nowhere to stay during coachella. i'll be camping out in the dirt while all my girlfriends are in an air-conditioned house, or laying by the pool with their significant others. it's rough. 

bottom line is: i'm really, really tired of feeling like i need to apologize for who i am. whether i'm not as cheerful as people want me to be, or as positive, or as relaxed, or go-with-the-flow, i just can't keep letting people make me feel as though i'm not enough of something. i know this. i'm trying. and it's hard. i know it probably shouldn't be, but it is. 

so who's the next victim?

mood music: sarah jaffe - better than nothing (via aerial noise)