type b.

pc: daily love dose

lately, most of my time has been spent telling myself that i should feel a different way than i really do. i've been trying to figure out what things about me are really worth changing, or whether i should just embrace my not-so-amazing qualities as "who i am". should i try to work on certain traits because they aren't helping me progress, or because i'm told they should be different? i've always been pretty aware of what kind of person i am. i know what my good and not-so-good qualities are, and i've never been ashamed to admit them. the people that know me best know how hard i work to fix my flaws, but it's come to the point where i don't know if what i believe to be "flaws" are really all that horrible. as with most everything else in my life right now, i feel a little lost.

for instance, i am completely clueless when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex (sad for me, but somewhat entertaining for my friends). most of the time, i ruin things before they even have a chance to start, and it's never a mystery as to why: i just do not get the "game". i don't understand why games exist or why i'm supposed to play along with them. i think it's pointless and a waste of my time (one of my negative qualities: impatience). i don't think you're cool, or busy, because you waited three days to call me; i just assume you waited because some other stupid guy told you it was what you're "supposed" to do in order to get my attention. it doesn't work on me.

i have a lot of weird features, and i probably don't act the way i look like i would; so i get that not everyone i find attractive or interesting is going to feel likewise. but the upsetting part is that i don't know how to get past those little letdowns. it's never been easy for me to be like "oh, whatever, i'm sure someone else will come along" because, um, they kinda don't. whether it's because i have a hard time finding guys that i connect with, or because i fuck it up early by being too forward, shit doesn't last too long around here, and there's a lot of tumbleweed rolling around for a while before the cycle repeats itself. i get that it's probably not a good idea to bombard someone with calls and emails, or show up at their house unannounced with a bottle of wine and a fatal attraction dvd, but i'm not totally okay with playing the coy, ambivalent, nonchalant girl, because that's not who i am. why act?

perhaps i should act because, my way of doing things has been unsuccessful to say the least. i haven't gotten anywhere with my approach, probably because it comes off as pushy and contentious. so i will do future suitors a favor and scale it back a bit: i will be friendly and engaging, but not intrusive. i will be approachable and attentive, but i won't come on too strong. i won't be too forward, or try to get to know you too well, or too soon. and if you ask for my number, but don't call, i won't try to get ahold of you, or get hurt, or upset. i'll just pretend you died. i'm in the game now, so let me know if you'd like to play.

mood music: kate nash - merry happy