pretty persuasion.

pc: ffffound

i seem to be stuck in a bit of a rut. i am 23, living back at home, and having a really hard time saving money to move back out. i'm having an equally hard time enjoying life at the moment. i have a ridiculously clear picture in my head of the life that i want (i'm a firm believer in the power of visualization), but every day it seems like it's getting farther and farther away from me. i'm not sure what to do anymore, other than throw my hands up and call a truce with myself. i can't stop fucking stressing out about life! i'm constantly bombarded with images of stuff that i want; not so much material things, but accomplishments, goals, things. i'm exhausted from worrying about where my life is going, but i don't know how to shut my brain off. i think this is why people drop acid, or pop pills, or start hooking. trust me, i've considered all three.

right now i'm reading a collection of short stories called it's a wonderful lie: 26 truths about life in your twenties. it's really encouraging to hear about the experiences and struggles that other women went through at my age. and it's real; these are real female writers with real quarter-life crises, real shitty apartments, real sky-high credit card bills. let me share with you an excerpt that i have highlighted, underlined, dog-eared and damn-near ripped out and stapled to my forehead:

you can't plan for the truly significant moments in life. they're moments. they happen. they creep up unexpectedly and defy reason. and that's what i have to remember about life on a larger scale: accumulating experience is nine tenths of living, so i should stop trying so hard to create myself and spend more time being myself. i should let myself make mistakes, date the wrong men, drink too much, have moments that i'm not proud of, and learn as i go along instead of deciding ahead of time how life is supposed to be lived. i should reconfigure the rules -- not only the ones i have for the men i'm dating, but more importantly, the rules i place on myself. i should start focusing more on the plot and less on the denouement. after all, when is the resolution of any story truly satisfying?

in other words, i need to be patient, and try to make it through this uncertain period no matter how long it lasts. hopefully soon i'll get my life together, and my only worry will be what color to paint my new living room. but in the meantime, i just need to give myself a break. your advice, tips, and bottles of zoloft are greatly appreciated.

mood music: coldplay - don't panic