the soloist.

pc: nylon

i tend to get a lot of flack from friends for being a bit of a homebody. on most nights, i prefer to hang out in bed, watching TV or scouring the internet for fashion and home decorating inspiration. i have a beer, or a glass of wine, flip through magazines and rearrange my closet. what can i say? i enjoy my alone time.

sometimes i worry that i enjoy it a little too much; am i exercising my independence, or becoming a certified loner? after a long day at work, always talking talking talking, i genuinely relish the long, quiet drive home. i can sing along with the radio, or listen to an audiobook. just listen. i love spending weekends with friends or family, being around people that enjoy my company as much as i do theirs, but i also appreciate that moment when everybody leaves, and i'm left again with my breath and my thoughts. i've spent a lot of time lately thinking about who i want to be, and what i want to change about myself. dealing with these things has made me feel quite misunderstood. i don't always feel like people will get what i mean when i try to describe the way i feel nowadays, which sometimes leads to my isolating myself. i went through a phase in my late teens - i couldn't bear the idea or the feeling of being alone. i constantly needed to be around people, to be out, to be doing something, seeing something, talking to someone, or else i was "missing out". of course it was fun and exciting, but after a while, being a suburban socialite got pretty old. the venues changed, but the faces stayed the same. i started to hang back a bit and spend more time by myself, something that i got a lot of shit for at the time. it wasn't that i became boring; i just lost interest in the people and places that i had become accustomed to. in a way, i grew up. 

as much as i worry about my hermit tendencies, i never feel guilty about it. i'm pretty sure it's just another one of my phases. in the meantime, i think it's perfectly fine to be half social butterfly, half lazybones. and i'll get over my reality TV obsession soon, right?

mood music: greg laswell - comes and goes (in waves)